Do you talk yourself round in circles?
Do you spend days, months (perhaps even years) bouncing from ‘Yes, I can do this’ to ‘What on earth am I thinking?’
I walk several miles most days, taking my dog Shiloh with me, during which time I ponder, plan and pontificate over ideas I have. Some are new, others are not, some feel ‘spot on’ and others are ‘not really sure’ often each idea has a bit of a ping pong scenario going on.
I would like to share with you one ping pong scenario I am currently exploring.
I chose to come off social media about three years ago. I was only on FB, but it felt increasingly uncomfortable for me to be in that space, and I left without any hesitation, I do not miss it at all.
So, it feels odd to me that I am currently thinking about starting a You Tube channel.
As I am walking through the beautiful country lanes, spotting a buzzard resting on a telegraph pole, saying ‘hello’ to the horses grazing in the fields, noticing the air has warmed and loving the Autumnal light, I am feeling blissful. My heart is full, content, open and connected to Mother Earth – my spiritual sanctuary. This bliss opens my creative field and leads me to feeling into the You Tube channel idea.
My heart tells me so clearly and simply that ‘Conversations with Wilding Women’ is a GREAT idea. I know many wilding women who have stories to tell; I love holding space. So being in conversation with wilding women feels like a perfect fit. It is what sparks my creative juices, it is what comes naturally to me, it gives me pleasure. And the women I am in conversation with express how much they enjoy it, that it sparks their creativity, that it feels natural and potent. In addition to the conversations, I would make short recordings of Spirals – the land, the stream, the trees, the changing seasons, I will share my meditations, my poems and writing, musings on being a Wilding Woman.
‘Yes! I can do this!’
And then a voice of doubt starts up – ‘You are not on any social media platforms, so how do you think people will find you? ‘Why would anyone be interested in your idea? ‘You will be opening yourself to horrible comments.’ ‘Your internet doesn’t have enough MG bites to upload the content.’
‘What on earth am I thinking!’
I take a deep breath and focus back on the gorgeousness of where I am. I notice the warm air on my skin and the words ‘I have felt this air on my skin over many life-times.’ Something stirs. I connect to my ancestors, feeling myself walk as they did. No tarmac under foot, no telephone wires over-head. I imagine my long heavy skirt trailing over the dusty lanes, becoming heavier with leaves, twigs and mud catching in the cloth. I wonder if I would have been brave enough to hitch my skirt up, and in so doing, reveal my calves – something that I remember was not acceptable for women to do. I smile with a memory that I did roll up my skirt. I was bold and brave. I was prepared to challenge. I was determined to be who I was at Soul level, free, joyous, adventurous.
I arrive back at home. The sun still shining, the air still warm. I have a change-over in the cottage to do before I can sit down to feel into what came through for me on my walk.
Chores completed; I then sit with Shiloh in the sunshine by the vegetable garden. Runner beans and French beans dangle heavy on their stems, I get up and gather a basket full for super this evening.
My cat Wilbur wonders over to me seeking attention. I stroke his soft body and hug him close to me, which he disapproves of and wonders off again. I smile and watch Shiloh crunch his peanut butter filled marrow bone, he’ll be at it for ages.
There is space again to pick up on my ping pong scenario. I am immediately drawn to my inner authority voice saying ‘come back to your intention.’
What is my intention for starting a You Tube channel?
I read through what I wrote earlier, checking back in with the flow and not wanting to miss any activations.
My eyes are quickly drawn to the words ‘free, joyous, adventurous,’ hmm, yes, I like that, my heart feels warm and glowing as I re-read the words over a few more times. ‘Brave’ jumps out too.
I think about the 2 books I have written, knowing that both required me to be brave, to be bold, to challenge. And both were written from my perspective of being a wilding woman; going ahead with ‘Conversations with Wilding Women’ is no different. Only the medium in which I will share is different.
My intention for both my books and for the next adventure is simple. I wish to create a held space for women to have their voices heard, a space in which they are invited to be who they truly are, in which they are welcomed and valued, in which they share their magic with the world.
And it doesn’t matter how big that world is. I truly believe we each find one another as we individually and collectively weave our magic. When we come across a sister whose voice and story resonates, we feel connected, we know at Soul level we are connected.
How I feel about this new adventure then is clear, sorted, no problem! What I think about this new adventure has highlighted a few practicalities I need to sort out, such as making time to make the recordings and accessing better internet to upload my content. That doesn’t feel too complicated or difficult.
The ‘ping pong’ feels less ‘ping pongy,’ it’s beginning to feel more balanced; I think it is more balanced.
The doubts are useful to check in with, I thank my inner critic and place those doubts aside.
What I now want to get stuck into is taking-action. I’ve already invited a couple of women to have a Wilding Woman Conversation, both had no hesitation in saying a big juicy YES!
I take another deep breath. I know I can do this.
There is a ‘but.’
I am not 100% sure I want to do this. Do I need to be 100% sure? How sure do I need to be? What piece of the idea am I not sure about?
I know I want to have the conversations; I know I want to hold space to have the conversations. I know I want other women to hear and see the conversations. So, what am I not sure of?
Is it my deep desire to be so completely detached from social media? Is it my deep desire to work only within the organic flow of universal connection?
The thing is, being cyclical and being attuned to being cyclical I know I am not always going to feel like recording or uploading pieces to You Tube (or anywhere). I know there are times when my creative juices are flowing freely and times when I am snuggly cocooned in my cave and feeling uncommunicative. And I am told and I see from the multitude of You Tube channels, that consistency and regularity is needed in order to get and keep an audience.
Yuk, that makes me retract.
But then, who’s to say I must do it the way most other people do it? Can I post as and when I please, yes, of course I can. Will it matter if people don’t connect because what I offer is not offered regularly? Not really. I know when I find something that resonates, it is the person and their content which invites me back, not how often they present something. But I do too look forward to the weekly updates a couple of people I follow offer, come rain or shine. Would I switch off from them if they offered their content less regularly? No, I wouldn’t.
Does any of this matter?
So, here I am still playing ping pong, and that’s okay. I allow myself to enjoy working through the ‘don’t knows’ nowadays. I am patient waiting for some gem to fall into my consciousness, excited about a new insight weaving her magic, curious as to what my heart and mind will activate to help process my creative flow.
It’s late now, time to settle into my evening, calm my mind, soothe my heart with meditative mantra’s. Tomorrow I will go for another walk; consciously let Mother Earth in again, allow her to cast her spell of wonderment and pleasure in simply being alive here in this beautiful place of peace and tranquillity and see what happens.
Another day, another walk. I’m tired on my walk today, having to constantly swipe away determined horse flies wanting a bite of me and to suck on my blood. I already have big welts on my neck from a horse fly assault, I am equally determined not to be bitten again.
The day passes by, busy moving into our new kitchen space. I am appalled at the grime I discover on the back of the cooker as it’s pulled away from the wall. On go the rubber gloves to give it a good clean; followed by the butcher’s block, and numerous tea pots, cups, and jugs. I have no space to think or feel into what I want to do in relation to a You Tube channel.
Later, Rob and I eventually sit down in the peace and quiet of our new kitchen, it’s all coming together beautifully. I put some music on and we sip a small glass of red wine each to celebrate and congratulate ourselves on a job well done!
I tell Rob I’d like to read him my piece above, he is delighted to sit and listen.
When I am finished, we chat awhile about my enquiry and he says
“Maybe this is your next book?”
I am suddenly reminded of a gem that instantly flowed in as I meditated last night. I smile broadly and excitedly say
“Yes, yes, that is exactly what came to me as I meditated last night. As soon as I sat and began to sing, my next book nudged me playfully as if to say “Isn’t it obvious to you yet?!”
‘Of course,’ I thought, recalling the words I had written earlier in the day about being brave enough to go ahead with ‘Conversations with Wilding Women’ and it being no different to writing a book, just a different medium in which to share.
Yes, it is obvious! My ping pong scenario has been about finding my way back to what I love doing, what feels true to my Soul, true to my nature, true to my desire to communicate away from social media platforms. I can still make short videos and share those on my website Blog. I can still record conversations with wilding women and put those on my Blog too. I love the idea of having a multi media way of sharing my next book, it has been something I have been playing with for quite a while.
What I find fascinating is that I went through an almost identical process to getting on with writing my 2nd book. I had spent months creating an online programme on Member Vault, I was reaching a point of tearing my hair out, fed up with the process of getting everything online and losing sight of the passion I felt about the subject matter. I had a moment of clarity one morning after struggling for days with one aspect of putting in the information for my programme. I suddenly thought
‘I’ll just put it all into a Word document and share it that way.’ And as I started to type my words into a Word document, I could see my book being written in front of my eyes! I danced through the house, a sense of joy and freedom returning to my mind, body, and spirit.
That same feeling flooded in last night as my next book – possibly titled ‘Spirals of Being a Wilding Women’ nudged me in the ‘right’ direction – back onto the path I am happiest and most creative being on, communicating through the written and spoken word, holding space for women to share their stories, weaving my own stories into the cauldron, the same as I described for a You Tube channel, but delivered organically, cyclically, away from being online.
And to be and stay on that path I need to feel connected to nature, I need to be outside, to feel the air on my skin, to spend time with the trees and stream and wildlife, to dig bare foot in the veggie garden, to plant seeds and harvest crops, to tend to my home, to be tender in my home. These are the things that hold me, guide me, excite me, that make my heart sing and my Soul dance.
Now I know.
I do want to add just one more thing. FB, any social media platforms are not for me, but they are for many people. I know numerous wilding women who use social media successfully, creatively, and they enjoy being on the platforms. I know there are sisters out there, who like me, steer themselves away from social media platforms and explore and navigate other ways to reach their audience. What resonates for each of us is personal and unique, I am an advocate of embracing difference. I believe what really matters is that we each stay true to who we are, that we are always authentic, that what we offer is offered with integrity and for the highest good of all. How we do it needs to be varied so that we can all enjoy the myriad of gifts being offered by so many creative, magical women.
It’s good to share, isn’t it? It’s helpful to take some time and mull things over, to be clear on our intentions, to remind ourselves what brings us joy and pleasure, to be aware of what dulls our senses and creativity, to delight in those moments of channelling what needs to be heard, seen, felt, or remembered.
Thank you for taking the time to read this piece, I appreciate it very much.