It feels like a long time since I have written anything, that is, actually putting pen to paper or fingers to keyboard.
But, in my head, I have been busy writing.
Ever since childhood, I remember having an active mind. If ever there was a problem to solve, a challenge, a worry, I would spend many hours sorting it all out in my head before I uttered a word of it to anyone.
Over the years as an adult, I have learnt to share my worries or concerns, it has taken a very long time to trust that when I share something, when I express my vulnerability, I receive the support I need.
And so I was greatly relieved just last week when I eventually expressed to my husband that I was worried about a physical issue I was experiencing.
We were on a mini break, relaxed, chilled and having fun away from our day to day responsibilities. I had been able to let go of what had been an unusually stressful couple of weeks. And within this space of pleasure, I found the courage to express in words what had been lurking in the back of my mind for months. I said it out loud!
The relief was magical, I could feel the energetic release and my breath return to my body.
This in turn cleared mental and energetic space for me to work even more deeply with my spirit guides, with whom I have been journeying and connecting with over this last year, in ways I haven't previously experienced.
I am aware that we are all being called to reflect on what we think we know, on how we live our lives, and most significantly for me, on how we communicate with one another, the words we choose to use and express ourselves with.
My shamanic practices teach me, that words hold a high vibrational frequency, not just the words we speak, but the words we think. This knowledge has ever more relevance and power as we all find our-selves in the storm of dismemberment and disillusionment, towards the transmutation of death and into re-birth.
We have all, whether we know it or not, have at various times in our lives experienced initiations of the death and re-birth cycle, we have all experienced grief, loss, change, requiring us to go inward, to re-evaluate and ultimately to re-birth as a new and different person. Some of us may not be aware that we have experienced a transformation, some of us may fight our transmutations, some of us may rejoice and celebrate the falling away and surrendering to re-emerge into our life with new wisdoms, insights and soul connection.
Right now there is much that is challenging us all, the collective is experiencing an initiation. The dismembering, the dismantling, the shedding, the dying cannot be avoided, whether we like it, welcome it, want it or not.
The physical issue I whispered about earlier on, is I have realised, my own personal initiation. I had thought that as a post menopausal woman I had experienced my final transformation! Now, with the insights I have gained from my recent practices, I smile and chuckle at my self to have thought such a thing. Of course it was not my final transformation. There will be many more transformations throughout the remainder of my life. Each one will be a gift.
This particular one is deeply challenging for me. 'Illness' is a big shadow piece I have been working on for many years now. I put inverted comma's around the word illness, because I don't feel ill. I don't know yet if there is illness. I have a thickening of the tissue in my eft breast. I have been feeling discomfort, a bruising sensation or mild throbbing, for about a year on and off. Not being symptoms of breast cancer, I put the sensations down to hormonal changes of menopause. However, in recent weeks the sensations became more consistent, I am aware of the feelings most of the time.
I made an appointment with mu GP, who has now referred me to a breast clinic for further tests. My response was outwardly calm but inwardly my old illness shadow poked me in the ribs. But, I have learnt enough and know enough to hear the shadow but not be paralysed by it.
I sat with the information the GP gave me, did a little online research (not entirely helpful as the symptoms were stated as both 'nothing to be concerned about' to 'an aggressive type of breast cancer') but chose to put my focus and attention to the practices I use for healing, nourishment, self care and love.
An important part of the self care and love was to reach out to others to share what I am experiencing and ask for their support and love. I wrote a brief message to a private FB group I belong to. A group I trust, that is authentic, caring, loving and supportive. I have received back from my sisters beautiful words expressing their love, our unity, connection and sending deep healing. I know I am being held by them as I navigate my new initiation.
Today I sang and danced as I journeyed, asking for healing love while in the healing dome I visit each day; asking for myself and for all of human kind. I was conscious of the words I chose, some I said out loud, others in my mind and all from my heart space.
I send you so much love sister and brother travellers as we all find our way through these strong times. Know, really know, we are all one, we are so deeply connected to one another, to nature, to Source, the Great Mystery, The Divine, God, which ever word resonates with you.
Reach out to one another, ask for help when you need it, give help when you can, let your tears fall, let your laughter echo across the land, let your heart be open and your healing deep.
I love you.